The million thank-you’s I am now just able to offer are not always enough to wash away the heartache, confusion and grief I felt when I was with you.
We called what we had a relationship. But, now I question if you ever saw it that way or if our definitions were too far from one another to ever coalesce.
From the beginning, your focus was on you. What you want and when you wanted it, with little regard for anyone but yourself.
Those instances when you were able to keep your fingertips from throttling the bottle were tolerable and nearly enjoyable.
The joy was hard to accept knowing that it would so quickly evaporate and leave me wondering if it ever really existed at all.
As I would watch you sip from the Big Gulp, ¾ full of booze and ¼ full of pop, I began to brace myself.
However, I believed I had to be a pliable branch. To be a tree that bent in the breeze, never to break. So, that is how I lived my life for over a year.
On the outside, I had a job I was great at, was meeting new people in a new place, and dove more deeply into learning about spirituality.
I accepted, graciously, from the Universe and moved through my life, not allowing myself to be dragged down by you.
Not on the time when you were 90 minutes late to pick me up at the airport you lived 20 minutes away from.
Nor did I lose my mind, the many times I came home and had no idea where you were and you wouldn’t respond to any calls or messages I sent you.
My life continue on an even keel as you tipped drastically close to the chasm, calling me names, telling me I was worthless and that you could go out and meet and hook up with as many women as you wanted.
I stayed with you because I believed that I had to help you. My purpose was to help you see the real demons you carried on your back. If I was just patient enough, you’d be able to.
You helped me learn about myself and I hope, on a regular basis, that I learned it all that time around. I surely do not want the Universe to grant me the opportunity to learn those truths again. To show my gratitude, I utter the million “thank you’s” in hopes that the Universe knows I’ve got it.
As I zoom out to understand why, I know that we agreed to play a particular role in one another’s life. I know we had differences to work out. I am certain that I asked you to do what you did so I could come out the winner this time.
I’ve seen flashes of another life we had together where I had to stay by your side until death parted us; after which time I had a wild celebration at your passing.
Somehow, I made it through the storm with only a few hairs out of place. No one was able to see below the surface where I paddled madly until I couldn’t paddle anymore.
Today, all my hairs are in place, on the rare occasion I actually comb them.
My life is full of absolute joy that is no longer threatened with impending darkness.
You helped me to clear out the old to make way for the new. You helped me to find a new pathway that is a better fit for me than any I could have discovered with you.
For all the times I wanted to hurt you, as much as you hurt me, I’m glad I didn’t. That would have filled me sorrow, guilt and left us connected.
Thank you for darkening my vision to allow me to better see the light.